Brandon is a nice kid, except when he plays video games. Or is in a bad mood. Or thinks he can get away with being mean.

Local Man Unjustly Awarded Stars
Chuk Moran
Los Santos, CA

Brandon has been complaining all week that the city and county police depratments of Los Santos have unjustly awarded his character one or many stars. These stars indicate that the character is wanted by the police, presumably for a serious crime. But according to sources close to Brandon, the police have been “little bitches about things” and “totally overreacted” in attempting to arrest his video game character in the early stages of a violent crime spree.

Although Brandon admits that, at other times, his character has driven a bus over dozens of tourists, sniped at police from a train, and “all kinds of stuff like that,” in this case, Brandon had only run over one old woman “on accident.”

One of Brandon’s most vocal critics, his sister Carolina, accuses Brandon of exaggerating. She claims that any attack on a pedestrian within certain regions of the map triggers a wanted level. Any whining done by Brandon, the sister alleges, is just because he’s a baby.

This is not an isolated incident, says Brandon, who cried a little bit while he spoke to me in confidence at naptime. “One time a man tried to steal my car, which was, like, a really good car — so I stabbed him and I got two stars immediately!” With all the stars, Brandon’s character was soon surrounded by police who attempted to arrest him, but ultimately had no choice but to use deadly force.

A hospital spokesperson confirmed that the character was charged $4,000 and released hours later in good health with all of his weapons and ammunition intact. For Brandon, however, this outcome represents a larger system of discriminatory enforcement that cannot be justified.

“It’s just cheating,” Brandon sniffled, “I’m supposed to be a criminal; it’s supposed to be fun.”

For its part, the city of Los Santos has always kept its streets clean and traffic flowing, with all buildings in excellent structural conditions despite the violent antics of its citizenry.


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